Afterglow

Wednesday was our company-provided "Holiday Meal," which at the time was delicious, although we decided the pumpkin pie was definitely better last year. Wednesday's meals were to be my last solid food before my colonoscopy this a.m. So, when I started getting sick on Wednesday night, I was really unhappy. I was determined to eat my "last supper," which I interrupted multiple times to run to the bathroom. I continued to be sick through the rest of the night and the a.m. When I arrived at work Thursday a.m., I found out that everyone was sick. Literally. The "holiday meal" had sickened hundreds of people. Many called in, or left early. I was planning on going home early anyway, because the preparations for my procedure had to begin at 1 p.m. Of course, by that time I was so dehydrated and sick anyway, the prep was kind of disastrous. Late in the night I puked so hard that I burst little blood vessels all around my eyes. So very pretty.

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Side note:
It's moments like those when I am glad I have Dick. He's seen me in millions of horrible, humiliating medical moments and never shuddered or looked away. He's always held my hand and comforted me. He totally bought into the whole "in sickness and in health" thing.
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Despite feeling like crap, and having my body assaulted by bad food and medical science, all I thought about all day Thursday was food. All the food I loved but couldn't eat. A short list:
toast with peanut butter
oatmeal with lots of brown sugar and a wee bit of milk
biscuits and sausage gravy
an angelo's coney dog with mustard and onions, with one of their awesome chocolate shakes
root beer float
coca cola
doughnuts, hot and fresh from KK
publix birthday cake
spaghetti with homemade meat sauce
mashed potatoes and gravy
white rice, cooked in chicken broth with salt and pepper (when I was young, I would cook that for myself if I felt sick. Very soothing.)
ramen noodles (chicken flavor)
cold pizza sitting in the fridge, mocking me
bbq pork
fried chicken
full fat chocolate pudding
buckeyes
boil cookies (that's what my family called them. Some people call them no bake cookies.)

That's the short list, people. The laxative stuff was awful. Being sick the night before sucked. Puking all over the bathroom was painful. But the worst was imagining all the foods I loved, and couldn't eat. Which I totally did to myself. On the plus side, I really, really, really enjoyed my first post-procedure meal - biscuits and gravy and sausage and pancakes from Cracker Barrel. I took my time with the meal and savored each bite, thinking about the textures and the flavors. I took little mental breaks to evaluate by body and stomach and how things were going. I left some food behind, which is something I always work on, but don't always accomplish. And I felt satisfied by not stuffed afterwords. And exhausted, a result of the anesthesia.

So, I may have tortured myself with visions of delicious food, but I feel like I've come out on the other side with a better idea of my relationship to food - and how I should eat based on what I want/need versus what is going serve an emotional need. I hope I can build on this and I am not just experiencing some sort of post-colonoscopy afterglow. If that is even possible.