And now a word from our sponsor, Sephora

Yesterday, I sorted and cleaned out my makeup supplies. I probably threw away over $200 worth of expired products. Now, some of you may be scratching your heads, thinking "I've never even seen Minnie wear makeup. WTF?" A little known fact about me? I have a makeup problem. As in, I spend lots of money on makeup and never wear it. And I'm not talking about the cheap stuff either. I am talking about makeup purchased at Sephora. Or MAC.

Now, as a teenager and young adult, I actually did wear a lot of makeup. And I wasn't afraid to be a little crazy with it either. But, as I stopped going out to clubs and started working more hours in offices with business casual Fridays, I set aside my sparkley indigo blue nail polish, my crazy deep burgundy lip gloss (Seriously, that was probably a good thing. I wore that shit on purpose! Without irony!) and my silver eyeshadow*, and embraced the anti-makeup look. Because I can't ever be balanced, I can only do one extreme or the other.

And for years, I didn't purchase anything. Obviously being really poor helped me avoid the makeup aisle, but when we started having a little extra income a couple years ago, I started purchasing expensive makeup and stockpiling it. (For the beauty revolution!) Now, a lot of ladies have this thing they do to themselves - its called the "I'll use/wear/do it, when I weigh XXX lbs/find the perfect mate/do that thing I'm always talking about" thing. Makeup was my "I will wear it when I am skinny" thing. I didn't buy skinny clothes. Hell, I didn't even keep my skinny clothes for future skinny times. I just purchased makeup - that most women would love to use daily - and hoarded it for my future skinny self.

Now, this is really unhealthy because:
1) My skinny self? The one I was always working towards? That bitch was cranky and anorexic. (Yes, I was anorexic. See above - one extreme or the other.)
2) Makeup expires. And then you have to throw it away. Before you ever got to use it. (Insert life lesson here about makeup being like life's precious moments. Thank you Jack Handy!)

So, now, its the future! And my makeup has expired! And I am still fat! What do I do? I go to Sephora and spend undisclosed amounts of money on products. And then use them. Frequently. Ok, so I just purchased skin care products - I am working my way back up to actual makeup, but my skin seems very happy about this development.

Now, I still have my "balance" issue. Ten years ago I was anorexic and now I am obese. Obviously there is some work to be done here. But, I have more information and resources available to me now than before. I now know that I have a medical issue that makes it hard for me to lose weight, but easy for me to gain it. I am working on controlling that issue, but its going to be a long process. But, hopefully ten years from now, I will be able to say I am healthy. And that I look damn good in my $30 lip gloss.

Of course, all of this happy-feel-good bullshit is pointless if the economy continues to degrade, and in ten years we are all just trying to put food on our tables and shelter over our heads and fight the revolution and all that shit. At that point, I will probably be using the blood of my enemies for lip gloss, and not worrying about my fat ass.

*I would like to note that I never wore all that stuff at once. Well, the silver eyeshadow and the blue nail polish obviously complemented each other, but I mostly focused on one stand-out thing at once. Didn't want to overwhelm my admirers.

Also - the most painful thing I threw out - a $25 mascara for "sensitive eyes", used twice, both times resulting in blood-shot eyes for approx. 48 hours after removing. Apparently they sell it to Lasik patients for use right after surgery. I would rather coat my eyelids with glass shards.